Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
