Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
