Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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