it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
