Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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