After last night, I could never be a politician.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
