I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
