i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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