I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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