Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
