well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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