I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
