wrigley field is MILF paradise
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
