Do you still have your period?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
