I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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