just tell him i said nine months
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
