oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
