My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you had me at cake vodka
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
