I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
