Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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