Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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