She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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