I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
