Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
