I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
