Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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