I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
