Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
