He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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