best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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