ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
