Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
