Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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