He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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