you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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