had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
