Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
