Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
this is an emotional support booty call
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
