Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
