Umm I'm too high to move.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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