"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
