I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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