I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
