I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
