I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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