Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
