lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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