I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
