He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
