Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
