brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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