Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
