The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
