Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
