I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
