i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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