Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
