Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
